The Great Bathtime Caper
by Carbuncle
Summary: Tifa goes to great lengths in order to get Red XIII to take a bath. Join her and Red for an exciting trip around the world. If only we could find out who's doing that awful singing...


FINAL FANTASY VII  
  
The Great Bathtime Caper  
  
(Open to 7th Heaven, the basement. Tifa walks in. Cloud and Barrett are sitting on the couch. Red XIII is laying on the floor in front of the TV.)  
Tifa: Pee-yew! What on earth is that vile odour? Cloud?  
Cloud: (sniffs under his armpits) It's not me...  
Tifa: Barrett?  
Cloud: (sniffs under Barrett's armpits) It's not him, either... (he, Barrett and Tifa stare at Red, who has flies flying around him)  
Red: What? (a fly gets burnt on his tail and dies)  
  
(Cut to the basement, some time later. Cloud and Barrett have left the room.)  
Tifa: When was the last time you took a bath, Red?  
Red: I don't know. Last month... year. I don't really keep track.  
Tifa: Last year?!  
Red: Maybe. Why? What's so wrong with that?  
Tifa: You're supposed to bathe at least twice a week, Red!  
Red: Nuh uh. Humans are supposed to bathe at least twice a week. It doesn't say nothing about animals having to bathe at least twice a week.  
Tifa: Even pigs roll around in the mud once in a while!  
Red: What's a pig?  
Tifa: You know... those extinct creatures that were all butchered for pork. The point is, Red XIII, is that you need to take a bath.  
Red: I don't want to take a bath. I hate water. It's no good for my fiery tail.  
Tifa: I don't care. You're having a bath and that's final.  
Red: You can't make me take a bath. You're not my mother.  
Tifa: Maybe not, but as long as you're living under this roof you'll abide by my rules, young pup.  
Red: Young?! I'm older than you!  
Tifa: In dog years, perhaps, but in human years you're nothing more than a mere child. Now, come with me. I'm taking you to the bathroom.  
Red: Nooo!! (gets up and runs out of the basement)  
Tifa: Red XIII! You get back here right now! (runs after him)  
  
(Cut to the bar. Cloud and Barrett are sitting at a table, drinking.)  
Barrett: (sniffing) What's that smell? (Red XIII runs out of the basement toward the front door, whimpering)  
Tifa: (runs out of the basement) Red XIII! Come back here this instant!  
Barrett: What the #@$% is goin' on, man?  
Tifa: Cloud, Barrett, watch the bar for me. I'm going out... and I may be some time. (runs off out the front door)  
Cloud: That was kinda weird...  
Barrett: You're tellin' me...  
  
(Cut to the Sector 7 Slums. Tifa is walking through the streets, looking for Red.)  
Tifa: (shouting) Red! Oh, Red! Here, boy! I've got some tasty doggy treats for you!  
Red: (jumps out from behind a trash can) Really?!  
Tifa: Ah ha! (grabs Red XIII) Gotcha!  
Red: Oh, puh-lease! (he easily escapes her grasp and runs off, then returns briefly) About those doggy treats... That was just a lie to get me to come out of hiding, right?  
Tifa: Um, yeah...  
Red: Thought so. (runs off)  
Tifa: (gets up) Red XIII, get your butt back here! You need to take a bath! (to herself) Oh, this is going to be a lot harder than I'd first thought...  
  
(Cut to a poorly animated Tifa, chasing an equally poorly animated Red XIII across a clifftop, leaping from one ledge to the next, ala the old Super Mario Bros. games.)  
Singers: #Red XIII started to smell one day, Tifa decided he had to bathe/ She tried talking to him, but he ran away/ "Oh my God," thought Tifa, "that's totally gay!"/ Red XIII ran for miles and miles, jumping over chasms, eluding crocodiles/ There was no way, he wanted a bath/ Throughout this fanfic, you're guaranteed to laugh/ Will she catch him? You'll have to wait and see/ The only thing we know for sure, is Red's beginning to smell like pee!#  
  
(Cut to the Midgar Area. Red XIII runs out of the city. He looks up and down for a way to escape Tifa.)  
Red: Which way should I go?? Oh, I hate snap decisions like this! Eenie, meenie, miney-  
Tifa: (running out of the city) Red XIII! I'm warning you! You run away from me one more time, and that's it! You're not welcome in my bar ever again! It's your choice!  
Red: ...fine. I didn't plan on going back to 7th Heaven again anyway. Bye! (runs off toward Kalm)  
Tifa: All right, fine! You run away! See if I care! Why should it bother me if you want to go around smelling like a chocobo's butt?! Good riddance to bad rubbish, I say! (pause) Red, you have to let me give you a bath! Please! (sighs, takes one last look at Midgar and then runs off after him)  
Singers: #Tifa's chasing Red past the old town Kalm, through the countryside toward the chocobo farm/ What's Red thinking? Tifa ain't the type to give up/ I'd stop now Red, if you wish to bear a pup!#  
  
(Cut to the Grasslands Area. Red XIII reaches the marsh. He scans the area for signs of the Midgar Zolom. Tifa runs up behind him.)  
Tifa: Red!  
Red: Aah!  
Tifa: (stopping) Red, please, I beg of you, don't go any further. You know how dangerous the marshes are.  
Red: Pfft! I'd rather face the dangers of the marshes than go back to Midgar with you and take a bath! So unless you've suddenly changed your mind... (quietly to himself) ...and I sincerely hope you have!  
Tifa: Red, face facts. You can't go around all the time smelling like... well, like that. It's very off-putting for the people around you. (holds out her hand) Come on, let's go home and get you nice and clean.  
Red: Never! I'm not going anywhere with you while you're like this! It's like you're possessed, woman!  
Tifa: (angry) I am not possessed! Get here NOW!!  
Red: Toodle-pip! (runs off through the marsh)  
Tifa: Agh! (runs after him, then stops and inspects her feet) Eww... it's all wet...  
  
(Cut to the Mythril Mines. Red XIII takes shelter inside and shakes off all the water from his fur. He then runs off further into the cavern. Shortly after, Tifa walks in. She shakes herself off too.)  
Tifa: Darn Red... (runs off through the cavern)  
Singers: #The Mythril Mines, so dark and grim/ Look out, Tifa, I hope you can swim!#  
Tifa: (steps into a pool of water) Aah! (swims to the surface and climbs out) Eugh...  
  
(Cut to the Junon Area. Red XIII is running toward Junon. He stops and looks around the countryside. In the background, Tifa emerges from the Mythril Mines. Red runs on down the hill, continuing on his journey.)  
Tifa: (to herself) Oh, look at me! I'm wet, I'm dirty, I'm smelly... I'm Red! How the heck can he walk around in public like this?? (looks down the hill and sees Red running toward Junon) Junon? So that's his game, eh? Trying to skip the country in an effort to avoid bathtime? (laughs) If he thinks Tifa Lockheart's gonna stop the chase just 'cause he's leaving the country, then he doesn't know Tifa Lockheart... (runs off down the hill in pursuit)  
  
(Cut to Junon, the docks. People are boarding the ship. Red XIII, hiding behind a stack of crates, waits for the right moment and then dashes into the ship's cargo hold. Tifa joins the back of the line with the other passengers. She is holding her ticket.)  
Tifa: Eugh... To think I paid seven hundred gil for this lousy ticket. (laughs to herself) Oh well, it'll be worth it once Red XIII is waist deep in a tub of hot water...  
  
(Cut to the sea. The ship leaves Junon and sets sail across the ocean.)  
Singers: #Travelling across the sea, that's Tifa and old Red/ It looks as though the Costa del Sol is where this journey ends/ If Tifa gets her way, Red will be clean today/ And then those fleas in poor Red's fur will all be screwed, hurray!#  
  
(Cut to the Costa del Sol, the beach. Red XIII is laying on a sun lounger, soaking up the sun. He is wearing a pair of shorts and a pair of dark sunglasses.)  
Red: Ah... this is the life. Sun, sea, sand, no Tifa trying to get me to take a bath. Pure bliss.  
????: Mind if I sun bathe here?  
Red: (not looking) Oh, sure. Knock yourself out. It's a free country. (pause) Or rather, it used to be. (laughs)  
????: Could I borrow a little of that sun screen?  
Red: Certainly. (picks up the bottle and passes it to... Tifa! Tifa in a bikini! Tifa in a tight revealing bikini!) Aah! You!  
Tifa: Who did you expect, Quina Quen?!  
Red: ...do you... still want the sun screen?  
Tifa: (pause) NO!!!  
Red: Oh, okay then. Then I guess I should... (jumps up and runs off, leaving his shorts and his shades spinning in mid air) ...scram!  
Tifa: Agh! (runs after Red)  
  
(Cut to Mount Corel, the path. Red XIII is running up the path, closely followed by Tifa. Tifa is now dressed normally.)  
Singers: #Running up the mountain path, toward the sky so grand/ Come on, Tifa, hurry up, and grab Red with your hand/ Turf him back to Midgar and throw him in the tub, then give him a good scrub down, rub-a-dub-a-dub!#  
  
(Cut to the Gongaga, the forest. Red XIII is running through the bushes, followed by Tifa.)  
Singers: #Tifa and Red have both run really far, Red's sweating like a pig n' Tifa wants to lose her bra/ But something's telling me neither will last out for much longer, eh, it's just a hunch, but then again I am the author!#  
  
(Cut to Rocket Town, the launch pad. Cid, holding a spanner, is admiring his brand new rocket from the top of the staircase.)  
Cid: Ah... You're my finest rocket ship ever, No. 29. (looks around nervously, then hugs it)  
Red: Aah! (running to the top of the staircase)  
Cid: (turns around) What the?!  
Tifa: (huffing and panting, walking up behind Red) This is it, Red, the end of the line. There's nowhere to run and nowhere to hide.  
Red: Oh, I beg to differ. (climbs up the ladder toward the door of the rocket)  
Cid: What the?!  
Tifa: Oh, Red! Don't do this to me! (climbs up the ladder after him)  
Cid: Hey! What the hell d'you think you're doing?!  
Tifa: Sorry, Cid, but this is an emergency. A hygienic emergency.  
  
(Cut to the rocket, the cockpit. Red XIII enters and hits random buttons on the control panel in a panic.)  
Red: Come on! One of these must be the make it fly button!  
  
(Cut to the air room. Tifa climbs in through the door from the ladder outside. She looks up and down the corridor for Red. Suddenly, the door behind her quickly shuts.)  
Tifa: Huh?  
  
(Cut to the cockpit. Red XIII is still hammering at the control panel. The rocket begins to vibrate.)  
Computer: BLAST OFF IN... 10, 9, 8-  
Red: Ah ha! Success!  
Tifa: (walks in) Red!  
Red: Tifa!  
Computer: 7, 6-  
Tifa: Red XIII, what've you done?! Shut this thing down this instant! I have to give you a bath, dammit!  
Red: You're too late, Tifa! We're blasting off!  
Tifa: Nooo!  
Computer: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, BLAST OFF!  
  
(Cut to Rocket Town, the launch pad. Cid is running down the staircase in a panic. The rocket blasts off into the sky.)  
  
(Cut to the rocket, the cockpit.)  
Tifa: Red, you idiot! Neither of us know how to fly this thing! We're going to die! Do you realise that?!  
Red: Oh, don't stress out! How hard could it be? Sit back and watch the master! (presses a button)  
  
(Cut to the sky. The rocket explodes.)  
  
(Cut to Midgar, the Sector 5 Slums. Aeris is standing on a street corner with her flower basket. A piece of debris from the rocket falls from the sky and crushes her.)  
  
(Cut to the Sector 7 Slums, 7th Heaven, the bathroom. Cloud, with a towel wrapped around his waist, is about to get into the bath. Tifa crashes through the roof and lands in the bath.)  
Cloud: Tifa?!  
Tifa: (laughs nervously) Hi, Cloud!  
Red: (from above) Aaahhh! (crashes through the roof and lands on top of Tifa, in the bath)  
Cloud: Red?!  
Red: This fluid... It... It can't be... Water!! Aah!  
Tifa: I told you, Red, I told you I'd get you to take a bath, didn't I? (Red XIII sneezes) Could you pass the soap, Cloud?  
Cloud: Oh, sure. (gives Tifa the soap, who then begins to clean Red XIII)  
Red: (crying) Waaa!  
Singers: #Tifa finally got Red to take a bath, and now she can't help but have a laugh/ Poor old Red, he's quite ticked off/ Tifa, don't forget to wash his coc-  
Tifa: Stop! Right there!  
  
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THE END__________  
  
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End file.
